trans talk

questions (and attempted answers) on being trans

Here are a bunch of questions I've had myself, been asked by others, or encountered out there in the public domain. I've tried to provide my answers (or the meaningful answers I've found) to these inquiries (select a question to expand it and see the answer):

• So does this mean you're gay? / Do you like guys now? /
  Why bother transitioning if you can just be gay?

  Variations on this subject are probably *the* most frequently-asked question people have posed after I came out to them.
  
  I get it! Who I'm into is a solid bit of potential gossip, and sexual orientation is a much more familiar "coming out" concept for people than gender identity :P.
  
  This is certainly a personal issue, and answers might be all over the map for each trans person you might ask. In my case, I have a few things to say responding to these questions:
  
  1. Know this as a rule: sexual orientation (a person's romantic, physical, emotional or philosophical attraction to others) is NOT the same as gender identity (a person's innate sense of being male, female, both, neither, etc.). As a trans woman, I can like guys, girls, non-binary folks, or no one at all - my gender identity does not dictate who I find attractive.
  
  2. My journey to understanding myself had nothing to do with who I found attractive. I'm not trans to be with guys. I'm not trans to be with girls. I'm trans ... because I'm trans!
  
  If anything, I have avoided and self-sabotaged relationships for years because I feared eventually blowing them up if I ever faced up to my gender identity. Embracing myself as a woman impacts how I am with other people, not what gender I'm interested in.
  
  3. If I had gone the "just be a gay man instead" route, I would have missed the mark on multiple fronts :). Not only would that have failed to help resolve my identity conflict, but I have consistently found myself attracted to the feminine.
  
  If there is one thing this crazy path has taught me is "never say never." I've certainly been learning a lot about myself. But so far, I remain into gals, which means...
  
  4. Yes, this does mean I'm gay! More specifically, a lesbian. After all, I'm a girl who is into girls!

• Are you getting surgery?

  While some kinds of surgery are often considered by trans people as part of their journey, it's a common misconception that it is the most important pursuit (or a sort of "end goal").
  
  For me, I have no idea what sort of procedures I might want in the near and distant future. I'm not ruling out anything, but I also don't know how much I'll share as I make decisions: just like it would be for anyone, medical procedures are something that I see as private.
  
  I don't fault asking - I definitely get how there is gossip and fascination around a subject like this where people have less direct exposure. But do be careful approaching any trans person and how personal you get when asking questions like this: don't let your curiosity outstrip your sense of propriety, and remember that none of us are entitled to personal details, no matter how curious we might be :).

• Why did you have to do this?

  It's important for me to start with this statement: I didn't do "being trans." Being transgender is not a philosophy or a process that happens to you: it's an aspect of who someone is.
  
  I am trans, and any decisions I've made have surounded how I want to live, given that reality.
  
  Some trans people experience severe dysphoria, where taking the steps to transition and address that incongruity can mean life or death. For other transgender people (like myself) who experience dysphoria less severely or not at all, the decision to transition can be a weighing of pros and cons: of living with the depression of hiding / limiting yourself for the sake of social pressures, family concerns, economic factors or other serious challenges.
  
  In my case, the burden and falsely-inspired shame of my secret reality finally (and in hindsight, inevitabely) came to a head, where I needed to understand and address what I had been burying to find peace. In the process of finally exploring what I had been suppressing, I felt incredible euphoria from expressing myself as Jess.
  
  I'm blessed to be fairly well-off, live in an affirming city, have an unconditionally loving family and many other privileges that make transitioning and living as my fullest, truest self a relatively easy endeavor. I can only wish it was as easy for everyone.

• Do you feel like you were born with the wrong body?

  (TBD - write answer and reference Philosophy Tube video around the 28 min mark)

• Isn't this a trend / a fad / because you moved to NYC?

  This answer is being written now, but you will gradually see it appear as I take a try at it!